Al those years, i wasn't aware of what i have been looking for..Actually i was not looking for sth particularly...peace,love, sparks, getting socialized, a carreer,joy,having fun,discovery, pain,friendship...i don't know..I had nothing in my mind...I just went with the flow...I never made plans...My Only plan was not to have a plan...But on the other hand I seemed to be racing against myself,living on a zero gravity plane. Maybe that is why i hate my "to do list before 30"...Coz i have already lost it...But even yesterday, or lemme say before YOU, i was not quite sure if those were the things that i wanted, that meant to me...in life...Then i realized....YOU made me realized....In the middle of my race to eternity,my struggle for survival,I was missing having someone to talk to.Someone I could just have a conversation on the phone for hours, someone i can just sit ont he same sofa and have a cup of tea or just walk along beaches bare food on the sand , without a worry of business, numbers, my other problems, in other words ; not thinking of all the world that is crossing through my mind. I realised that I wanted somebody who cares for me passionately, with every thought with every breath and help me see things in a different light.
You've told me the other day, how you enjoyed spending time just by your own,,,,Ohh, how i love that...I am not a loner.. but sometimes the silence in my room is just so me...only me,,, that is when I can hear my own heart beat.You see, I live in a world of constant activitty which puts its demands on me, which in turn constrains me at times.
It is a materialistic world and everybody around me, are just " walk-on" players...It is my sceen...My life is my screen, my play..and when this body will be dust and go under the ground , everything around me will just disappear with my non-existence...We have limitted time in this very dimension that we are feeling...It is a one curtain play...And all those years, i knew it..I knew that there was not going to be another play...So I had to perform. But as the years past, i just didn't see from the auidence someone to invite to the play...to my play..to share it...to hold her hand and make her the "star" of my play...And after a period of time, you loose the motivation and you start to perform in a bad way...then you just start not performing at all...Then you start to live in your other play...Coz, you have to continue playing...performing....And that , my other play , is my Imagination world..My UNREALITY....full of pink dusts...Nobody, but Nobody was allowed to enter to this VIP play..And when it all gets too unreal, I yearn to go back to my home...And just prison myself in the tranquility of no activity!
Somehow the more unreal my world has become, the more I yearn to get in touch with reality. But i just couldn't.....I wanted to go back to my innocence...To my childhood....Where i was naive....happy...almost perfect...
There's someone right now...A special one...Whom i am sharing my play with ...Whom also i am taking to my world of UNREALTY....and letting her touch to my innocence part of me...
Now that I am on a timeless journey, no idea where i am heading......
but i like it...I like the idea that we are heading together....
